When do you feel safe being yourself?
During that weekend getaway with girlfriends I referred to last week, we went around answering the question, “how do you self care”. When it was my turn to share, I said that I was really good at self-care and couldn’t think of just one thing. So they asked me to share everything I do. Afterwards, I didn’t feel good. Is this what Brené Brown calls a vulnerability hangover? I felt embarrassed. I felt like I overshared. And I went home that night regretting what I shared with this group. I even apologized to the group the next day via group text for strutting my self-care in a room full of moms.
What I wanted them to know was that my self-care wasn’t just indulgence because I had so much time, but that it was a vital toolkit I developed from coping through hard stuff. I only began to prioritize self-care out of desperation, after years of neglecting my well-being and finally feeling the compound impact of this. I felt really good sending that text even if it wasn’t necessary, and more than their validation I needed to express myself and be seen without judgment.
What I realized I needed but didn’t have with this group was to feel safe being myself. I wasn’t particularly close with some people in the group and I hadn’t necessarily felt accepted or even supported by them over the years.
On my drive home, to ease my social anxiety, I practiced a technique my therapist taught me: “My anxious self feels ashamed of what I shared and is afraid of being judged, but my true self knows it is safe to be myself.” That second part is supposed to feel super soothing, but it didn’t ease my anxiety as I hoped - this is because I haven’t really experienced the safety of being myself enough in my life to truly believe this statement.
The thing is, yes, external conditions can affect how safe I feel to be myself. But the unshakable security that I am working to build is really sourced from within.
Can you think of people you know who absolutely do not care what other people think? They are so sure of themselves from within that no matter what the conditions are, they are themselves. And it’s really as simple as that.
I am so grateful to have some people in my life now who feel safe to me. There are times in my earlier life where I didn’t really have anyone I felt safety with and didn’t know how to source that inner safety from within.
Well, we all have something we are working on. This is my work. And it is who I am - at least today. It’s this fine dance between personal growth and self-acceptance.
When do you feel safe being yourself? With who? What makes you feel safe?
When do you not feel safe being yourself?
What is your work in this lifetime or in this season of your life?
Happy journaling!